Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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