We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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