When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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