wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
