Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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