I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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