I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The beer is more important than you right now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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