Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.