when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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