i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
