her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Are my feet made of real feet?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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