I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
