How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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