I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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