I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
It's Friday. Sex?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
