Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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