You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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