If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
