I think I died a long time ago.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
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I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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