And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she looked like the before picture.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
