FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he thought i was a dude.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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