my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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