The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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