Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
