Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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