Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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