But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
