If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I forget how to act sober
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
