I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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