Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
