please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
