he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
