somebody snuck up and got me drunk
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
