Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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