two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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