Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you will always have a special place in my vag
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
