I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
