so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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