I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
did i just pee glitter
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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