So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
