The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
