you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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