More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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