Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
