can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
