my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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