My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
