Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I enjoy the company of your penis
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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