what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
