You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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