I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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