We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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