It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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