Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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