I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
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It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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