You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
