Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
